


Of All the Ways I Hurt You

by Ivrigasked



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Break Up, Coach Katsuki Yuuri, Coach Victor Nikiforov, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, Retired Katsuki Yuuri, Retired Victor Nikiforov
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-06-11 06:55:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15309879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ivrigasked/pseuds/Ivrigasked
Summary: A year after breaking up with world renowned figure skating god and love of his life, Viktor Nikiforov, Yuuri reflects on his poor decision making skills.





	1. Nervous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Last year I fell flat on my face  
> And last month I knew somethin' should change  
> Last week I started over again  
> Ask me and I'll tell you how I've been..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to another one of Lex's late night spontaneous fics! I don't know how this one is going to turn out, but I hope you enjoy regardless! 
> 
> Chapter title is from The Neighbourhood's self-titled album.

It was a cold, rainy June morning in Japan as Yuuri sat and ate breakfast, and thought of his past. It had almost a year since Yuuri had broken up with Viktor, and even longer since he’d retired from figure skating.

They hadn’t spoken at all, because it was the one thing Yuuri had asked of him.

 

__

 

“Please don’t contact me.”

“Yuuri, I don’t understand. What’s happening?”

“Please Viktor, I don’t know how to explain. Just...stay away from me.” Yuuri pleaded before turning away and never seeing Viktor again.

 

__

 

Yuuri expected the pain of the instant romance to fade in due time, but he sat down, reflecting on his actions with the same dull pain in his heart where memories of Viktor used to be. They had dreams and goals together - Viktor wanted to marry him and start a family; he was already in his 30’s after all. But when they both had retired and taken up coaching, something shifted and Yuuri had felt as if a crevice had grown between them as time passed. Yuuri didn’t feel like he was enough for Viktor anymore. They were getting older and without the glamour of being a top figure skater, Yuuri was plain where Viktor wanted, and needed, excitement. He didn’t feel like he could surprise him anymore, so he left him. Viktor was still young and beautiful, effortlessly perfect and still in his prime, regardless of his opinion of himself and his status in the figure skating world. Yuuri knew that in due time he wouldn’t be able to keep up, and Viktor would leave him in the dust.

So he broke things off, gave him his ring, and flew home to Japan.

 

At first, his parents were concerned, worried that Viktor had harmed him and sent him packing. But after months of arguments and convincing, they eventually accepted the fact that the breakup was on Yuuri’s terms, and stopped bringing it up.

Mari however, refused. She knew. She saw the way they looked at each other and watched them interact when they’d come home for the holidays. Although she’d never admit it, she was their biggest supporter.

 

As Yuuri sat at the table playing with the remaining rice in his bowl, Mari sat down across from him and stared. Hard.

 

“What do you want, Nee-chan?” Yuuri asked. 

“It’s been a year since you came home Yuuri. I just want to check on you.” Mari replied, a fake smile plastered on her face. 

“I’m fine.” 

“The left over breakfast says otherwise.”

“I’m just not hungry.” Yuuri huffed, rolling his eyes at his sister. 

“I highly doubt that.” Mari scoffs, crossing her arms over the table. 

“Get to the point, Mari.” 

“Have you called him?” She asks and Yuuri shifts uncomfortably under her gaze. 

“No, why would I?”

“Because I said you should. Months ago.”

“Stop asking me about him, it’s not going to happen. It’s over, it’s done.”

“My resources beg to differ.” Mari smirks. Yuuri’s eyes dart up to hers.

“Resources? Who have you talked to?”

“Why would I tell you that?”

“What did they say?”

“You know he’d come running back if you so much as sent him a hello.”

“You know how he is, Nee-chan. He would do anything for me.”

“And you wouldn’t do anything for him?”

“Well of course I would.” Yuuri rolls his eyes again. “Wait, why are we having this conversation?”

“Call him. Text him. Send him a letter via carrier pigeon. I don’t know Yuuri, but he’s been waiting just about 365 days to hear from you.” She tells him, shrugging her shoulders. Yuuri’s head falls onto the table and he’s quiet for a few minutes before bursting up from the table, tears in his eyes. 

“Mari, I know, okay?! You don’t think it kills me every day not seeing him, speaking to him? He’s the love of my life.” Yuuri admits, voice falling quiet. 

“Then why did you break up with him?”

“Because I needed to let him be free!” Yuuri shrieks, tears finally falling.

“Why?!” Mari shouts back, grinning. She knows she’s getting him riled up, and she knows he’s better at making bold decisions when he’s worked up. 

“Because what did I bring to the table? He’s beautiful and successful and has a world of possibilities ahead of him and everyone loves him and I did nothing but walk in his shadow.”

“You did? That’s not how it looked to me or literally anyone else in your life.”

“What do you mean?”

“Chris texted me recently, asking about you. So did Mila and Sarah, who are concerned. Yurio did too but it was much more aggressive. And Viktor and I talk frequently.”

Yuuri stops breathing at the thought of his sister staying in contact with all of his friends from Russia. “You...what?”

Mari shrugs casually. “I still talk to all of them. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“You talk to Viktor? Regularly?”

“Yeah. He called me this morning in tears. Just before I came down actually.”

“What did he say?”

“He wants to know why you haven’t called. But he’s doing what you asked and staying away from you. He cares Yuuri, too much for his own good. A year without speaking to you and even then his world still revolves around you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Call him.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I really hurt him.” Yuuri whispers. 

“Trust me yuuri, you’re hurting him more by keeping him at a distance.”

“Distance? I haven’t spoken to him at all. He should have moved on by now.”

“Why would he? You haven’t. You even said it, he’s the love of your life, do you honestly think you aren’t his too?”

“He’s dated other people before I came along.”

“Yuuri. He flew to Japan for you. At the drop of a hat no less. You’re it for him, I don’t understand how you don’t see that.”

“I don’t know.”

“You’re being selfish. When you started feeling like this, did you talk to him about it before you just up and decided to leave him?”

“No...I-“

“That’s your first problem Yuuri. It wasn’t just you anymore. It was Viktor too and you neglected to take his feelings into consideration. You do this thing where you let your anxiety cloud your judgement and I know you’ve heard it a thousand times and I know it’s overplayed like a broken record but you need to learn to control it and talk about it with the people closest to you, especially when it concerns them too.”

“What are you saying, Mari?”

“I’m saying you fucked up, kid.”

A long spell of quiet falls over the siblings and Yuuri ponders Mari’s words. Could he have saved his relationship? Was it really all in his head? Has he been hurting for an entire year because of his own selfish thoughts and anxieties about the future? 

 

Yes, it seems very likely. But could Viktor possibly forgive him for his mistake? 

 

“I don’t know how to come back from this.” Yuuri admits. 

“You’ll figure it out, little brother. You always do.” Mari sighs and rises from the table, leaving the room and leaving Yuuri alone once again with his thoughts. Except this time, they’re much heavier. 

 

——

 

That night Yuuri lie awake, staring at the ceiling of his bedroom. His conversation with Mari and the things she said about Viktor swirled around in his mind, keeping him from being able to slow his heart rate and shut his eyes. The idea of being Viktor again made him feel excited, but mostly completely terrified. There’s no chance that things could ever go back to the way they were before, when they were happy and together. But was Viktor really feeling as torn apart by their breakup as he was? Did Yuuri even have the right to feel upset about since he was the one who broke them up? He supposed it made sense considering that Yuuri had broke things off almost out of thin air, and didn’t explain anything before disappearing completely.

Yuuri would consider reaching out, but he’d have to talk to Phichit about it before he made any rash decisions. His best friend would absolutely know the best course of action.

 

——

 

“WHAT?” Phichit yelled over the video chat.

“I said I’m thinking about reaching out to Viktor.”

“No, I heard you, Yuuri. What I meant was WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?”

“Mari said he’s been missing me and I’ve been missing him and—“

“AND WHAT? Yuuri, you broke up with him a year ago!”

“I know, Phi. But maybe it’s time, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I made a mistake.”

“Are you sure?”

“I thought you’d root for me, Phi.” Yuuri scoffed. Phichit sighed and shook his head.

“Somebody has to be the negative Nancy so that you can keep your head on straight, buddy. You already know I thought it was a mistake, but you were so convinced that you were wrong for him, there was nothing anybody could do to talk you out of it. What made you change your mind on the subject?”

“I had a long talk with Mari about it yesterday morning. She said she’s been talking to Viktor the whole time, and Chris and the others have been asking about me since I kind of fell off the face of the earth. She said I fucked up and honestly, I think she’s right.”

“You know, Yuuri. I think she’s right, too. I’ve never seen you light up more around someone or be happier than you were when you were with Viktor. And Chris had never seen Viktor act the way he did with you, ever, and he’s known him for several years longer than we have. You make each other better and it’s damn shame that you’ve been apart this long.”

“What makes me think he’d take me back though? I think I really hurt him.”

“You just need to apologize and explain, and then give him some time. I think he’ll come around.”

“I’m scared.”

“I know, frankly I am too. That’s a big move.”

“Do you think it’s the right thing to do?”

“Absolutely.”

“Okay.”

“Do you have any idea how?”

“Not a clue.”

“What would he do for you?”

“Fly to Japan.” Yuuri sighs and Phichit raises an eyebrow and smirks. “NO! I’m not flying to Russia, Phi!”

“You have to.”

“No! Plus that’s super expensive.”

“Money is no object when it comes to love, Yuuri.”

“Ah fuck, you’re right.”

“I’m always right, that’s why you ask me for advice.”

“I know.”

“Fly to him, Yuuri.”

 

——

 

Yuuri hung up the video call with Phichit and immediately went looking for next day tickets to St. Petersburg. His heart was pounding in his chest, but it felt right. It’s felt...good. Moments later, he hit the confirm purchase button on his computer, and his flight was booked for Friday at 9:35 am.

 

——

 

The airport was quiet and security was quick when Yuuri arrived at the Fukuoka airport the next morning. He sat down at his terminal and pulled out his book to pass the time, even though his nerves made him unable to process a single word. He was jittery and couldn’t sit still, and began feeling sorry for the poor sucker that had to sit next to him on this flight.

 

Giving up, he closed the book and slipped it back into his bag, resulting to just call Phichit instead.

 

“Yuuri, everything okay?”

“Yeah I’m just bored, and nervous. The worst possible combination for me.”

“All right, talk me through your game plan.”

“Uhhh— I didn’t think that far ahead. I still have like 17 hours and a layover to work everything out.”

“You just planned on showing up at his door, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Solid plan. It’s not like it could go wrong at all.”

“What do you mean?”

“Did you think about what time it would be when you made it there?” 

“Oh, shit.”

“Or the fact that he might be out of town?”

“Oh, SHIT.”

“He’s not. I checked with him this morning. He thinks I’ll be in town tomorrow, we have plans to get coffee.”

“But you’re in America, Phi.”

“Yes I’m aware, thank you.”

“Oh, OH.”

“I love you but he makes you stupid.”

“I know.”

“Okay, we know he’s in town, what if he isn’t home and he’ll be out at a concert, or an opera, or training until very late at night?”

“I wait.”

“Mmm, that might look bad.”

“Uh, yeah. Why don’t you just find out what he’s doing tonight, then?”

“That’s too easy, you need the element of surprise and if I ask to make plans two nights in a row he’ll think somethings up.”

“I’ll have Mari call him when I land to see what he’s doing.”

“Okay, could she get away with that?”

“I don’t know, I’ll call her.”

“You need better plans.”

“I’m NERVOUS, Phi!”

“I know. I’m just trying to help.”

“You are, you are.

“Okay. It’s gonna be fine, Yuuri. If he’s as depressed as Mari is making him sound, and it’s off season, he’s most likely going to be home on a Friday night.”

“I know, you’re right.” Yuuri whines. “I’m so scared, Phi. Getting more so by the second and my planes about to board.”

“It’ll be fine. Call me when you land and try to rest and relax on the flight, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good luck, Yuuri.”

“Thanks, Phi.”

“Love you!”

“Love you too. Bye.”

 

Yuuri was jittery and anxious most of the time during his flights, until a flight attendant offered him alcohol. The small bottle of vodka settled his nerves and eased his racing heart, allowing him to get some shut eye. When he woke up, there was only 45 minutes left, and 30 of that was the landing.

When yuuri’s eyes looked down upon the bright city, tears started welling up once again.

It had been so long since he’d seen Viktor’s city, their home, just before he broke it off. They were happy here, in love here, and he went and ruined everything. He prayed that he was able to repair the damage that had been done.

 

When the plane hit the ground and the seatbelt light shut off, Yuuri whipped his phone out of his pocket and called his best friend.

 

“I’m here.” Yuuri whimpers into the phone. 

“How far are you from his apartment?” Phichit asks from the other side. 

“Twenty minutes.”

“You’re gonna be fine.”

“What if he turns me away?”

“He won’t.”

“What if he has someone over?”

“He won’t.”

“How do you know?!”

“Because why would he be whining to your sister about missing you if he was seeing someone new?”

“I guess you’re right.”

“Yuuri, you’ll be fine. Find a taxi, give them the address. Everything will go well, I promise.”

Yuuri takes a deep breath and hangs up the phone as he pulls down his luggage and exits the plane. It’s 9:30 pm, right around the time that Viktor would be settling down on the couch after eating dinner. 

The cool Russian air hits Yuuri’s face as he leaves the airports double doors and he waves down a taxi. After giving the driver the address of his hotel, he settles back into the squeaky leather seats and waits.

 

A few minutes later, the taxi pulls up outside Yuuri’s hotel and the driver gets out to help Yuuri with his luggage. With as much effort and language quality as he can muster, Yuuri asks the driver to wait for him while he runs inside. The driver nods questionably, and slides back into the car as Yuuri enters the hotel to check in and drop off his luggage. A few short moments later, Yuuri slides back into the waiting taxi and gives the driver Viktor’s address.

 

Ten long minutes go by before they approach the tall and intimidating apartment building. Yuuri remembers it vividly, visible in the rear view mirror as he drove away from it exactly one year ago.

His heart jumps into his chest and his breath hitches. He’s actually doing this. He’s less than 5 minutes away from seeing Viktor again.

This is...terrifying.

 

The taxi slows to the curb and the driver nods again to Yuuri as he hands him the cash.

“Good luck,” the driver tells him with a heavy accent.

“Uh-thank you.” Yuuri mutters as he shuts the door behind him and makes his way towards the lobby. He takes a deep breath and opens the door. A familiar voice chimes out from his left.

“Mr. Katsuki.” Alexei, the doorman, greets him. “It’s been a long time since we’ve seen you. Is Mr. Nikiforov expecting you?”

“No, Alexei, he’s not really. It’s more of a surprise actually.” Yuuri explains, blushing under his gaze. 

“Well no wonder. He’ll be excited to see you. He talks about you frequently.”

“Yeah, so I’ve been told. Is he in?”

“He is, just came back about 10 minutes ago.”

“Perfect, and he’s alone?”

“Yes, almost always, Mr. Katsuki.”

“Oh, okay. Thanks Alexei.” Yuuri nods and shifts his weight from foot to foot. 

“Sure thing, Mr. Katsuki. I hope we’ll be seeing more of you.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“I’ll send you up.”

Yuuri nods thankfully to Alexei and walks into the elevator, where he waits to be sent to the penthouse level.

When he reaches it, he steps out into a deathly quiet and empty foyer, Viktor’s door staring at him from across the room.

He takes a single step out of the elevator before freezing completely, hearing the knob of Viktor’s door begin to turn.

“Yes, I’m on my way. I just came home to change. I’ll see you shortly, order me a martini. I’ll definitely be drinking tonight, you know what day it is.” He hears Viktor say into his phone as he emerges from his apartment and steps into the hallway, gaze not lifting at all. Only after locking the door does he turn around, eyes looking towards the elevator and instead, seeing Yuuri. Viktor goes pale at the sight, as if he’s seeing a ghost, and Yuuri supposes that maybe he is.

“Chris, hold that thought. I’ll call you back.” He says and hangs up the phone, not waiting for a response.

They stare at each other for what feels like an eternity, before Viktor finally lets out a sob and starts to walk towards him. 

“Yuuri,” he breathes.

“Hi,” Yuuri whispers, heartbeat racing so fast he thinks he might have a heart attack.

“Are you real?” Viktor asks. “Am I hallucinating? That would really fucking suck if I am.”

“No, you aren’t.”

“How...? I don’t...”

“Mari said she talked to you.”

“Yuuri, oh my god.” Viktor whimpers as he reaches for Yuuri’s face. Yuuri takes a step back, his shoulders hitting the metal elevator doors. 

“I’m sorry, this is so sudden. You clearly have plans, I should go.”

“No! Please, please don’t go.” Viktor begs, his hands reaching out again before falling to his sides. 

“Viktor, I-“

“How—Why—how are you here?”

“Mari, she said you called her day before yesterday. We had a long talk, and then I booked the next available flight to Russia.”

“You’re actually here. I can’t believe my eyes.”

“Viktor,” Yuuri starts.

“Ah-so bittersweet to hear my name come from you.” Viktor frowns mournfully. “Would you like to come in?”

“Um, sure?” Yuuri hesitates but remembered why he’s there at all. “Yes. Yes, I want to come in.”

“Good, okay. Yes, good.” Viktor says as he fumbles with his keys, attempting to unlock the door. He finally gets it and swings the door open slowly, unsure of how Yuuri will react at any given moment.

“Should we sit? I have a lot of things to say.” Yuuri murmurs and Viktor nods at him, speechless. He follows Viktor to the familiar sofa, where they’ve shared far too many late nights, movie marathons, and make-out sessions on. He sits apprehensively, as if he was going to break it, just like everything else in his life.

“It’s been so long since you’ve been in here.”

“Still looks the same to me. Maybe a little messier.”

“That comes with circumstances, Yuuri.”

“Off season?”

“No...it’s been a year since you left me.”

“I—I know, Vitya. I’m—“ Yuuri starts but is cut off by Viktor’s sharp intake of breath. “What is it?”

“You, being here. After so long, and saying my name like that—” Viktor frowns again. “It’s so much all at once.”

“I’m sorry, I said I should go.”

“No, Yuuri! Don’t you understand?” Viktor asks, reaching for Yuuri’s hands. “I go to bed every night and wake up every morning hoping you’ll be there when I open my eyes. But you never are. And so on our anniversary I got drunk with Chris and Yura and I for once didn’t dream about you.” Viktor shouts and rises from the couch. “And so that was my plan for tonight too, I was going to get plastered with my friends and drink you away. But now here you are, in the flesh, exactly one year later. To the day, no less. What a sick joke the universe is playing on me.”

“It’s not a sick joke, Viktor. I’m really here and I have a lot of explaining to do.”

“Damn right you do, Katsuki! I’m pissed as hell and have a lot of questions!”

“I know you’re mad but will you please sit down.” Yuuri pleads and Viktor shakes his head.

“I can’t be close to you right now.”

“I understand.”

“No you don’t.”

“The explain it to me. Help me understand.” Yuuri asks and Viktor let’s out a heavy sigh.

“When you walked out, my entire world shattered to pieces. Chris had to come over just to try to get me to eat. It’s pathetic that I relied on you so much, but you brought life back into me and without you everything was cold, and dark, and just too much to handle. Mila took over my students for weeks because I couldn’t bring myself to leave my apartment. I called your sister weekly to make sure you were still real, still alive. She would indulge me and give me little updates every now and then. She said you were sad too, wouldn’t leave your room for days and when you did you moped around all day. It’s petty but I thought if you were just as depressed as I was, you’d come home to me. But you never did.”

“I’m here though, I’m here now. I’m so sorry, Vitya, I’m so sorry that it took me so long.”

“Why did it, Yuuri? Why didn’t you come home sooner?”

“I don’t know how to explain it.” Yuuri shrugs, running his hands through his hair. 

“Just try. Try for me. Please.”

“You already know everything about me. You can assume.”

“I want you to say it.” Viktor scowls. 

“I thought you’d thrive without me, okay?” Yuuri nearly shouts. “I thought I needed to leave to let you shine.”

“Oh that’s such bullshit, Yuuri.” Viktor rolls his eyes and walks behind the couch. 

“I know, Viktor! And I know you’re upset. But I’m here and I’m trying to fix things and make them better if you’ll let me.”

“Why should I? Did you think I’d welcome you back with open arms?”

“Well I—“

“That’s where you’re wrong, Yuuri. I’m livid. You were my entire world and you broke my heart. You shattered it and you waiting a whole fucking year to say sorry for that. Yes, I miss you and it kills me every day not to see you, or speak to you, but I did what you asked! I stayed away, because that’s what you wanted!”

“Viktor I know you’re angry, but will you please stop yelling at me—“

“Make me believe that you’re truly sorry!”

“Fine! Jesus Viktor, fine! I fucked up, okay? I know that. And I hated myself every day for the last year for leaving you. I hated myself the second my shoes hit the tile floors of the lobby that day. I’m sorry it took me so long. I should have turned around and came back inside and explained to you how I was feeling. I kept you in the dark for so long and I know things will never be the same but I’m so, so sorry that I did that to you. I understand if you don’t want me in your life. But I knew you at least deserved the explanation, even if it isn’t worth anything.” Yuuri finishes, his face falling into his hands as his tears begin to fall. Viktor winces and comes back around to the couch. 

“You think I don’t want you in my life?” Viktor whispers. 

“How could you, after everything I did to you?” Yuuri asks from inside his hands. 

“Yuuri, you’re the love of my life. You’re everything. I would have waited a lifetime for you to come back.” Viktor pauses and moves closer to Yuuri, who is shuddering on the couch. “Yes, I’m angry. But I’ll be damned if I ever let you leave my sight ever again.”

“Viktor-“

“Listen, it’s not going to be easy. I’m going to be very apprehensive. But you have to promise me right now that if I agree to let you back in, you can’t run away from me again. Okay?”

“Yes, anything. Yes.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Yuuri asks and Viktor finally pulls him into a tight hug. The familiar smell of cologne and Viktor swirls around him, cocooning him in comfortable warmth.

“I’m unbelievably happy to see you.” Viktor says when they pull away. He clasps Yuuri’s hands tightly again and gives them a gentle squeeze, as if to make sure he’s still real.

“I missed you so much, Vitya. I was worried that you’d turn me away.”

“Never, Yuuri. Like I said, I would’ve waited a lifetime.”

“What do we do now?”

“I don’t know.” Viktor laughs wryly, letting his head fall. “I guess, we hang out tonight and get to know each other again, and then in the morning we can figure things out. Let’s just focus on being together tonight.”

“I like that idea.” Yuuri hums and leans forward to rest his head in the crook of Viktor’s neck. Viktor brings a hand up to run through Yuuri’s hair and lets out a little sigh.

“I still love you.” Viktor says after a little while, the room quiet around them.

“Me too.”

“I didn’t know I was capable.”

“Of what?” Yuuri asks, lifting his head to look at Viktor. 

“Loving someone so much. You ruined me for everyone else, Yuuri. If you never came back, I probably would have died alone.”

“Oh, stop. So you didn’t date anyone else in the last year?”

“Is that really what you think of me? No, I just got out of bed one day and threw myself into work and never even looked at anyone else.”

“But the elusive Viktor Nikiforov was back on the market. People must have been banging down your door.”

“Was he? No one suspected a thing.”

“Alexei knew.”

“Well yes, I ask Alexei every morning if he’s seen you walking down the street or maybe an off chance you were in Russia you had stopped by but chickened out on saying hello.”

“You’re insane, Viktor.”

“Yes, but I only was so because the love of my life left me high and dry with no explanation.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Stop apologizing, Yuuri. I believe you and as much as I hate it, I understand why you did it. But I need you to promise me something else.”

“What is it?”

“If you start feeling like you aren’t enough, or you’re having second thoughts about anything, please come to me first before you make any crazy decisions to abandon me. Okay?”

“Yes, I promise.”

“Good, okay.” Viktor shifts and pulls his phone from his pocket. “I should call Chris back, he’s probably wondering what’s going on.”

“Does he hate me too?”

“Nobody hates you, _solnishko_.”

“Okay.”

“Yuuri,” Viktor pleads, gripping Yuuri’s hands tighter. “Nobody hates you. Yes, I’m angry and I will be for awhile, but I appreciate you coming here and apologizing and I still love you. Everybody still loves you.”

“Thank you, Viktor.”

“Let me call Chris quickly and then we can snuggle until we fall asleep okay? I’m sure you’ve had a long day.” Viktor says and brushes a stray hair from Yuuri’s eyes. Yuuri nods at him, and Viktor stands and walks to the other room while he dials.

Yuuri can’t hear the conversation, but he’s sure that Chris is just as confused as Viktor was. The good news is that the whole debacle went a lot better than he had been expecting, but now he has to somehow mention his hotel to Viktor, and hope he doesn’t take it the wrong way.

A few minutes later, a flustered looking Viktor strides back into the room.

“That went about as well as to be expected.”

“Mad?”

“Confused. I know the feeling.”

“Um, Viktor?”

“Yes, darling?”

“As much as I love the idea of curling up on this sofa tonight, I booked a hotel and all my stuff is there.”

“I had suspected as much. You didn’t have anything with you when you arrived, so I just assumed. I can take you to go get it if you like?”

“Viktor...I think—I think it’s best if maybe I sleep there tonight.”

“…Yuuri?” Viktor hesitates, coming to sit back down on the couch with him. 

“It’s not that I don’t want to sleep with you! I mean—here, sleep here with you—it’s just—I think we should start over.”

“Start over?”

“I mean not completely, obviously. That just doesn’t make sense. But like you said, we need to acclimated again. A lot can change in a year. I want to make a good second first impression.”

“Your first first impression was the best though, Yuuri. I don’t think it could ever be topped.”

“Okay and that’s fine that you remember it, but I don’t!” Yuuri laughs. “Please, Viktor. We need to get to know each other again.”

“I know you’re right, Yuuri, but I’m a selfish man. I don’t want to let you go again.”

“I’m not going anywhere. Not permanently. It’s just for the night.” Yuuri explains and Viktor sighs.

“Fine, but at least let me drive you.”

“That’s fine with me, cheaper than taking a taxi.”

“Maybe I should still charge you.”

“Wow, really not taking it easy on me are you?”

“Did I say I would?”

“No, I guess you didn’t.” Yuuri laughs and follows Viktor into the foyer and to the elevator.

Once inside, Viktor reaches for Yuuri’s hand and clasps it tightly.

“I’m praying that I don’t wake up tomorrow and this was all just a dream.”

“It’s real Vitya. I’m really here and I’ll stay as long as you’ll have me, I promise.”

“Don’t go to your hotel tonight.” Viktor pleads, pulling Yuuri into him roughly.

“Viktor you know I have to.”

“But we were good before, and we’ll be good again. You don’t need to stay so far away from me anymore.”

“I’m not sure who this is for, me or you. But either way, I think it’s the right decision.” Yuuri explains as the elevator comes to a stop.

They exit and Alexei smiles as they pass to get to the garage where Viktor’s car is parked.

“Well he’s pleased as punch.” Viktor chuckles.

“So are you, though.”

“Relatively.” Viktor smirks at Yuuri and holds the door open for him as he slides into the white bmw. He quickly glides around the front of the car and into the drivers side and starts the engine.

“You know what’s funny?” Yuuri asks.

“Hmm?”

“I got so used to this lifestyle, you know? Living large and having nice things. When I went home, it was a nice change but it was also strange.”

“It’s just money, Yuuri.”

“I know, and we had this same conversation years ago. It’s just weird to feel it so new again.”

“You said it yourself. A year is a long time.”

“I’ll get used to it.”

“Are you feeling overwhelmed?”

“Yes.”

“I am too.”

“Yeah. But we’ll get past it.”

“Yes, I believe we will.”

 

They remain silent for the rest of the short car ride to Yuuri’s hotel.

When Viktor parks, they’re both unsure of what to say.

“I don’t want you to go,” Viktor whispers, reaching for one of Yuuri’s hands. “I’m afraid you’ll disappear again.”

“Viktor, I promise. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be back at your place in the morning. We can get breakfast.”

“Okay.”

“I have to go. It’s getting late.”

“I know. See you tomorrow?”

“Yes, you will see me tomorrow.”

“Good. I better or I’ll hunt you down.”

“Okay. Goodnight.”

 

Neither move from their seats.

“Yuuri, if you don’t get out of the car I’ll strap you in and take you home with me.”

“No, no. I have to. Okay.” Yuuri says, unbuckling. “I’m going.”

“Goodnight, Yuuri.”

“Goodnight Viktor.” Yuuri says and closes the door, darting inside before he has the urge to climb back in the car. He can feel Viktor’s eyes on him as he walks inside, but refuses to turn around because he knows he’ll give in.

 

——

 

That night, Yuuri lie awake yet again, but this time it’s from excitement. He’s excited for their future, and he’s excited to be with Viktor again. And as much as he wants to just give in and go 0-100, he knows it’s best for the both of them to take things slow and get reacquainted. And Yuuri has just the thing to surprise Viktor in the morning. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeey~   
> Thanks so much for reading!


	2. Don’t want to mess this up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You shouldn't hang onto the way you used to feel about me, feel about me  
> You know that we could just be friends if you forget about me, forget about me  
> With all the shit that we've been through I can't just say I'm sorry, but I'm sorry  
> You shouldn't hang onto the way you used to feel about me”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyyy.
> 
> Alright so some housekeeping things before we start - I’m just updating both of my “in progress” fics, but I am going on a small hiatus until the end of the semester (December) because it’s my last until I get my degree, so I won’t have much time to sit down and do the thing (the writing thing). 
> 
> Until then, you can read my other fics, or come yell at me on tumblr @captain-sass-pants or @ivrigasked 
> 
> Song title is (loosely) based off the song “Dont Fuck This Up” by Andrew Applepie  
> Okay, that’s all! Please enjoy!

The following morning, Yuuri is out of bed long before his alarm sounds. He has a plan, a messy one, but a plan nonetheless, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t follow through. He certainly didn’t fly all the way to Russia on a whim to NOT try to charm the pants off his ex boyfriend.   
  
Ex boyfriend.   
  
Yuuri doesn’t like that term very much. Hopefully if things go well and they get the opportunity to work through things, Viktor will want to be his boyfriend again. For now, Yuuri needs a shower and a strong cup of tea to get him through the foggy Russian morning, so after a quick rinse, he heads down to the lobby of his hotel to find some.

  
The lobby is quiet, provided that it’s just about 6:30 am, but the staff is still busy with their tasks. Yuuri walks across the tiled floor, the tap of his tennis shoes being the only sound that fills the room. He quickly finds a warm pot of fresh coffee and a kettle of hot water boiling side by side, so he grabs a tea bag and a to-go cup and heads outside to catch a cab.   
  
Yuuri’s so called “plan” hasn’t gotten very far, since they never do, he just knows that he needs to be at Viktor’s place when he wakes up. Yuuri hopes that he hasn’t already. Yuuri hopes he was able to sleep at all.   
  
When the taxi pulls up to Viktor’s building, most of the windows are still dark, and excitement still bubbles in Yuuri’s chest. The ride up the elevator is quick, and soon Yuuri is pulling his key out of his pocket to unlock Viktor’s door. When he slowly pushes it open, the apartment is quiet except for the hum of the air conditioner, so it’s a good sign that Viktor either isn’t awake, or is still laying in bed with Makkachin.

  
Yuuri takes the opportunity to look around and familiarize himself with the space once again.   
Aside from a few decorative changes, the place seemed relatively the same. He knows that Viktor loves his apartment, because the view of the city is exquisite, and Viktor wouldn’t trade it for the world, so he shouldn’t be surprised that Viktor was right where he left him.

  
Sadness floods over Yuuri as he walks towards the shelf where pictures of them used to stand, only to find them laying face down. Viktor hadn’t moved them, or put them away but he had tried to forget, and to Yuuri that almost feels worse. Slowly, Yuuri picks up one of the frames, and resting inside is a photo of them in Barcelona, during the Grand Prix final a few years ago. Their golden rings shown brightly on their hands, and their smiles even brighter. They were really, really happy then. Viktor had decided to coach Yuuri and they had no idea that they’d fall in love so rapidly. For Yuuri, Viktor went from a mysterious, distant rival and idol, to friend and then to lover in one of the most incredible years of his life. Yuuri didn’t and would never regret anything about his relationship with Viktor, he was and is the love of his life.

  
When they broke up, Yuuri had to force himself to leave. He was under the impression that their relationship was harmful, that they weren’t moving forward, and that he was failing Viktor as a student and as a partner.   
Yuuri had been unable to win gold for Viktor, like he promised, so they never did end up moving forward with the marriage after they had both retired. The jokes finally died out like a bitter aftertaste on their tongues, and eventually people stopped bringing it up all together. Yuuri wasn’t pleased with the downward spiral that his relationship with Viktor had hit at the end - it seemed almost irreparable when he left, but he regrets leaving Viktor so abruptly, with nothing but pictures and memories left behind. No explanation, nothing. That was the thing that was eating at Yuuri the most. He knows they talked about it last night, but it’s important to Yuuri that he shows Viktor that he’s serious about this, that he intends to make things better and communicate with him so that was happened a year ago doesn’t happen again. Yuuri intends to marry Viktor. He intends to spend the rest of his life with him - which is the mindset he wished that he’d had before he decided to leave him.

  
Yuuri lets out a deep sigh and rests the photo back on the shelf, but this time he leaves it standing.

  
He walks into the kitchen, looking for something to make breakfast with. He opens the fridge to find eggs, milk, and some questionable looking fruit, so he takes the milk and eggs and sets them on the counter, and searches the cupboards for the other pancake ingredients.

  
From behind him, he hears a door open and the tell tale sound of dog paws on hardwood as Makkachin comes barreling into the kitchen, sights set on taking Yuuri down. Before she reaches him though, Yuuri turns and kneels, arms outstretched, prepared to catch the brown fuzzy mass approaching rapidly.

  
“Makkachin?” Viktor calls from the bedroom. “What’s with the hustle?”

  
Yuuri smirks and tells Makkachin to shush, knowing Viktor can’t see him kneeling behind the counter. He can hear Viktor’s bare feet tap against the floor as he walks towards the kitchen, where the bowls, whisk, and ingredients still lay out on the island. Yuuri hears Viktor whisper a small ‘what the hell’ under his breath as he gets closer, seeing the things that he had for certain not left out the night before. Yuuri hugs Makkachin tightly as Viktor pads around the island, only to find his dog and his ex boyfriend embraced on the kitchen floor.

  
Viktor gasps, surprised by the sight, his hand coming up to rest over his heart.

  
“And here I thought I had a polite ghost making my breakfast, turns out I was right.” Viktor laughs and helps a giggling Yuuri to his feet, trying to save him from Makkachin’s attack. “Makka knows where her priorities lie.” Viktor scowls, glaring at her where she sits patiently on the floor.

  
“I thought I would surprise you.” Yuuri explains, brushing the dog hair unsuccessfully from his pants.

  
“Well, you certainly did. Good morning,” Viktor says, and leans in close to Yuuri, but stops himself short and pulls back. Yuuri looks up at Viktor, eyes wide.

  
“Sorry um—force of habit.” Viktor says, slowly walking around to the other side of the island and taking a seat.  

  
“I get it.” Yuuri says, shrugging, resuming his whisking as Viktor watches him.

  
“Get what?” Viktor asks, surprised.

  
“I want to be close to you, I want things to go back to the way that they were before I left. I know that it’s never been difficult for us to be affectionate, even long before we started dating. And it hurts right now, knowing that there’s a rift that I made between us. So you can touch me if you want to, if it helps. I won’t stop you.” Yuuri says as he cracks eggs into the bowl.

  
“Who are you?” Viktor whispers.

  
“What?” Yuuri stops and looks up, confused.

  
“You used to get so nervous talking to me about things like this. Even though we were together for more than five years, stuff like this never came easy to you. What changed?”

  
“I decided that I’m not holding back from you anymore. I’m completely transparent. I have a lot of things I need to make up to you, Viktor. It starts now.”

  
“I don’t want you to change, Yuuri.”

  
“I’m not changing, I’m just being more honest, more open.”

  
“Okay.” Viktor hums, a smile hinting at the corners of his mouth. “Thank you.”

  
“What for?” Yuuri asks, turning to where he’s been heating a skillet on the stove.

  
“Coming home.” Viktor whispers again, and Yuuri can hear the emotions behind the words.

Yuuri stops, freezing.   
  
Home.   
  
“Viktor,” Yuuri turns, but Viktor cuts him off.

  
“I thought about us a lot last night, you know. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. But Mari reassured me, she said again and again that you’d come around but I was beginning to give up hope. How could she know? You’re so stubborn and when you get these ideas in your head, you can’t be swayed. It’s your only flaw, Yuuri. I just never expected it to turn on me in such a way. I’m sorry that I gave you any idea that I wasn’t happy.”

  
“It was my fault.” Yuuri replies.

  
“No, it was both our faults. I should have noticed you drifting away from me. I should have payed attention and tried harder to keep you by my side. I was so wrapped up in work I kept forgetting that our relationship was something that continuously needed attention too. I know your anxieties, and I know how you need comfort, and I wasn’t there for you. It was just as much my fault that you decided that we were done. I’m sorry that I let you down. And I’m even more sorry that I let you walk out that door. It’s never going to happen again. Not without me following close behind you.”

  
“Viktor-“ Yuuri starts again, but Viktor holds up his hand.

  
“You are the most important thing in my life, Yuuri. I should never have let you go. I should never have let us drift so far apart that you would even begin to think that I didn’t want you. I wanted you every day from the second we met, and every day after that. I still do. I want us to try again, if you do.”

  
“I do, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

  
“I know, I just needed to be sure. I’m still having a hard time believing that this is happening. That you’re here, in my kitchen, making me breakfast.”

  
“Who said this was for you?” Yuuri says.

  
“The eggs, when you stole them from my refrigerator.”

  
“Fair enough.” Yuuri laughs. He resumes cooking, focusing on flipping the pancakes in the pan and not onto the floor. He can feel Viktor’s eyes him as he works, and instead of being imposing, or making him feel nervous, the feeling spreads warm like a blanket across his skin, leaving him wanting more.

  
“Did you have plans for today?” Yuuri asks eventually, when he’s finished plating their food. He places it down on the island and slides into the chair beside Viktor.

  
“Well, technically I had planned on staying in my dark room with an intense hangover, but you nipped that in the bud.” Viktor remarks.

  
“My sincerest apologies.” Yuuri says sarcastically.

  
“I guess you’ll have to find a way to entertain me instead.”

  
Yuuri swallows, his nerves sizzling to life. “We should really talk.”

  
“There’s nothing to talk about, Yuuri. We’ve said all there is to say.”

  
“I have so many things to apologize for.”

  
“If we had to apologize for all of the mistakes we made, we’d never stop.” Viktor says, looking over at Yuuri. “I’m okay with it if we just move past this. Lingering on it isn’t going to do any good.”

  
“I just want to do right by you, Vitya.” 

“Well, making pancakes is a great start.” Viktor hums, taking another bite. “Because they’re really good, and I’m not just saying that. I couldn’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve had pancakes.”

  
“Since the last time I made them?” Yuuri says without thinking.

  
“Probably, actually. You know I don’t cook much for myself.” Viktor laughs.

  
“Viktor, can I ask you something?”

  
“Of course, Yuuri. Anything.” Viktor says and Yuuri’s gaze falls to his hands.

  
“Did you ever think about dating again?” Yuuri asks, holding his breath. Viktor coughs, caught off guard by the question.

  
“Why’re you asking me that?” He says, a small line forming in the space between his eyebrows as he looks at Yuuri, who still won’t meet his gaze.

  
“I hate the idea of you being alone, you know. When I left, it’s because I just wanted you to be happy. Obviously now I know that neither of us were happy, but I always wanted you to be able to move on if I couldn’t find the strength to come back to you. I thought if you moved on, I would too.”

  
Viktor’s frown deepens, but he says nothing for a beat. He just stares at Yuuri, his expression unreadable. “No. I didn’t. Not even for a second.”

  
“Really?”

  
Viktor shrugs. “Maybe eventually I could have, if we weren’t sitting here and having this conversation. Chris tried and failed multiple times to set me up on dating sites and send me on blind dates. But the idea of being close - physically, romantically, or otherwise, repulses me. I felt like I would be betraying you if I did. You walked out, but to me you were still mine. I don’t know what I would have done if Mari had ever told me that you’d moved on.”

  
“I know the feeling. I hate myself for leaving you, Viktor. I’m so sorry. I’ll never stop being sorry for that.”

  
“I know, Yuuri. But what’s important is that you’re here now, and we’re together, and we’re both gonna try.” Viktor pauses and looks at Yuuri. “We’re gonna try, right?”

  
“Yeah, were gonna try. And succeed, hopefully.”

  
“We will.” Viktor says confidently. “I have faith in us.”

  
Yuuri smiles and reaches for Viktor’s free hand, holding it tightly in his own. “Thank you for letting me back in, Viktor. I know it must have taken a lot.”

  
“I would have done anything for you, Yuuri. You know that.”

  
“I know.” Yuuri says quietly. “I know you would.” 

“I’m done being sad and talking about sad stuff. Let’s do something fun today.” Viktor says cheerfully, slamming his palms down onto the counter  

  
“Okay,” Yuuri says, smiling up at Viktor. “What do you have in mind?”

  
“Well, we could take Makka to the park, and then find somewhere to get lunch, and then maybe we can swing by the rink and you can say hi to everyone? They’ve missed you, especially Yuri, though he’d never admit it.”

  
“Oh my god, I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

  
“Oh, hush. It’ll be fine. They’ll be delighted.”

  
“If you say so.”

 

“Are your things still at the hotel?”

  
“Yes, why?”

  
“We’ll go get that at some point today too.”

  
“Viktor, wait-“

  
“No, Yuuri. You’re here, you’re not leaving. I told you that.” Viktor says firmly. “You can sleep in my guest room if you really want to, but you’re not sleeping in a hotel again. Not happening.”

  
“Alright,” Yuuri throws his hands up in surrender.

  
“Don’t be surprised if you wake up in my bed though. Force of habit.” Viktor says, waving a hand nonchalantly.

  
“Stealing people from their beds into yours?”

  
“No, finding new ways to wake up next to you. It’s a nasty habit, really.”

  
“Viktor,” Yuuri laughs again. “You’re ridiculous!”

  
“Yes, and? I need to take a shower and dressed and then we can go. Have you showered?”

  
“I have.”

  
“That’s unfortunate.” Viktor frowns at him and then struts down the hallway toward his bedroom. “I’ll be just a few.”

  
Yuuri watches Viktor leave, taking note of the muscles visible beneath his white T-shirt as he turns the corner, and his mouth goes dry.   
  
Maybe not much has changed after all.   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> See you soon!


End file.
